Dogs

Posted on May 8, 2012 by

When I really give thought to the human-canine bond it always awes me with how amazing it is. The evolution of Canis familiaris over 15,000 years of living with us as we settled down into communities from our nomadic lifestyle has reinforced this. It grew from need and necessity, and now dogs are beloved members of our family. It’s hard to imagine that the  32 kilogram snoring Labrador who loves nothing better than to “lick frenzy” my face in the morning could easily kill me. Same goes for the 20 kilo Maggie ball. Sometimes I find the fact that I live in the house with two animals really weird. Although maybe it’s one of those things I over-think.

Ever since I first moved out on my own I’ve wanted dogs. I’m pretty sure that I anthropomorphize Maggie and Bender way too much, but I can’t help but feel happy when they snuggle up against me for affection, or respond to invitations to play.Instead, we have their games: feet-honk, where’s your ball? & shuffle for Bender; raccoon and/or fox hunting, bite-bite & rope-rope for Maggie. They eat out of my hands. At night all four of us pile on the couch to wind down the day and relax.

Maggie and Bender and the other dogs that have been a part of my life have brought me so much joy. I think that’s why I’m guilty of anthropomorphizing them as much as I do; I want them to feel happy and loved too. The scientific community is divided on if or how dogs feel emotions, so in this case I have to trust my gut and choose to believe that they do.

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Yay Paul! <3

Posted on May 7, 2012 by

Paul ran in the BMO Vancouver Marathon yesterday. It was first first full marathon, and he finished with a great time: 4:08:16! He worked hard to get to the marathon, and I’m very proud of him.

I’m glad that I was there to see him off; full of excitement and nervous energy, and I was at the finish line to see all the months of hard work, sacrifices, and discipline pay off.

Posted in Cow & Toaster | 2 Comments

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Posted on May 2, 2012 by

I’m dwelling on some monumentally stupid decisions that I’ve made in the past year. It feels like the bad decisions wiped out the good.

It has served to amp up my feelings of anxiety to nearly the level they were in 2010.

It’s a really bad time for this since I’m involved in some mission-critical stuff at work.

I’m stuck in a short-circuit cycle of regret-guilt-sadness-dispair.

I guess I will sort it out.

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Normal

Posted on April 16, 2012 by

I live in a house in the depths of suburbia. I know people that look down on those of us who condesend to live outside of the bubble of Vancouver, especially *shudder* Surrey. I’m married to someone of the opposite sex. I commute two hours to and from an office job. I take pharmaceuticals. I don’t eat a weird diet (other than avoiding dairy when I don’t have any lactase). I don’t belong to a weird/alternative religion anymore. The political party that I  support gets elected (indeed, they are Her Majesty’s Loyal Opposition right now).

According to a lot of blogs and articles that I’ve read lately, unless I want to “fuck the system” and live off of the grid,  dump my drugs (’cause the drug companies are eeeevil and my brain is now in their power), and only eat vegetables that are harvested under the waning moon that I’m in denial about the suckitude of my life, and/or I’m just a sheep plugged into the system that “they” have created. I’m too content with a conventional life when that life is a shadow of what I could have if I only embraced their way of living. Otherwise, I’m in the Matrix and I don’t want out.

The Matrix is a system, Neo. That system is our enemy. But when you’re inside, you look around, what do you see? Businessmen, teachers, lawyers, carpenters. The very minds of the people we are trying to save. But until we do, these people are still a part of that system and that makes them our enemy. You have to understand, most of these people are not ready to be unplugged. And many of them are so inured, so hopelessly dependent on the system, that they will fight to protect it.  – Morpheus, The Matrix

I came home on Friday feeling like I was one step away from having 2.2 children that I drive to ballet lessons and soccer practice in my gas-guzzling mini van with a little sticker family on the back window. I was standing in the bedroom with my Hello-Kitty pajama pants on and a purple shirt around when my head when I Paul stepped out od the shower. I pounced on him as soon as he took the towel off of his head. “Paul, do you think I’m too normal?”

Paul visibly paused. “You…normal…? What?”

I tried to explain it to him. He cut me off. “How much does Dani Pedrosa weigh?”

“52 kilos!” I responded promptly. (Note: it seems he’s dropped a kilo from last season and he’s now 51kg.) “Hm, I guess normal people doesn’t know things like that, and the fact that Rossi, Spies, and I are the same height, and SRAD came out in 1996…”

“Right. Normal people doesn’t know these things. Are you going to get dressed, or are you going to walk around with that shirt around your head?”

Posted in Life, Me | 2 Comments

On dogs

Posted on April 7, 2012 by

JJ on a sunny day.

My brother had to put down his dog yesterday. JJ had lymphosarcoma that had spread and Graeme and Laura knew that it was time for the last goodbye. I happened to call him the night before and I knew as soon as he answered the phone that something was wrong.

My brother and I come from a family that loves dogs. Growing up there was only a short period of time when we didn’t have a dog in the family.

Last summer Maggie had surgery to remove a lump from her neck. The lump looked suspicious of a mast-cell tumour, but luckily the histopathology came back clear of cancer. I was a masochist and monitored Maggie while she was under anesthetic. Call me crazy, but I’ve always been at least present while Maggie or Bender have been under general anesthetic. I know some people I worked with couldn’t bear to watch, but I always had to be there.

As the veterinarian was putting sutures in, she remarked that Maggie was very healthy, and given her estimated age, she’d probably live another five years. “Only five more years?” I asked, shocked. The doctor replied “well, that’s about the lifespan for a dog her size.” Bender is close to Maggie’s age, so the time applies to him, too.

Ever since that day I’ve had a timer counting down in my head. I can’t stop thinking about it.

Every time I’m reading, or surfing the internet, or playing a game, or doing something else that requires my attention and Maggie or Bender (or both!) want attention the same thought crosses my mind: “when they’re gone I’ll remember these times that I could have played with them and I’ll regret that I didn’t”.

Then I watched these Youtube videos. I’ve seen “My First Friend” before and thought that I could get through it, but the tears were running down my face as soon as it started. “A Dog Story” wasn’t what I expected, and I cried through it too. They are only a few minutes long, but have tissues ready:

I can’t imagine our life without Maggie and Bender. I hate that my mind always reminds me of how short of a time we have with them, but I try to make the most of it.

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Why I’ll keep taking drugs

Posted on February 28, 2012 by

A lot of people are resistant to taking antidepressant drugs, or are on them with the hope/goal of getting off of them as soon as possible. When people find out that I take antidepressants they often ask “when are you going to get off of them” or “are you trying to reduce your dose?”  My answers are probably never and no.

Panacea, the Greek goddess of the Universal Cure

Getting enough fruits and vegetables, sunshine, omega fatty acids, and vitamins will help mitigate my issues, but the can’t cure messed up brain chemistry. Trying to keep a positive attitude only works if your brain has the right chemical balance to be able to have those feelings. Maybe diet, vitamins, or ultrviolet light together or alone can allow some people to get over depression but it’s not a panacea. Also ultraviolet light = skin cancer. I’ll burn before I get enough sunlight to create my own vitamin D, unfortunately. It takes about 18 minutes of exposure to mid-day sun at the latitude where I live. I burn in less than a third of that time.

I am thankful that I have found a combination of mediation that allows me to function normally with little-to-no side effects. The reason why I can appreciate the taste of fruits and vegetables, or enjoy the sunshine is because of the drugs I take everyday.

“Of course you won’t get off of them with that attitude!”

I don’t understand the push to not take prescription drugs. They’re antidepressants, not heroin or oxycontin. They allow me to fully live my life and allow the people I care for to live with me. My doctor and I have discussed seeing if I can taper one of them down to the lowest effective dose but for now I’m happy where I am.

That’s the point right there: I’m happy. If someone wants to judge me for taking pills to help keep me happy I won’t be able to change his or her mind, but I don’t particularly care. It’s my life. I only get one; I want to make the most of it.

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Sun, flowers & stuff

Posted on February 27, 2012 by

Today was bright and sunny, a welcome change from the snow and hail yesterday. It’s cold though. It seems like winter isn’t going to give up without a fight.The front yard of one of the houses down the street from where I work is blanketed in orange crocus. I’ll have to get a picture on the next sunny day. Instead here’s a picture of me with hair that is almost crocus-coloured with a flower:

Molokai 2007: me with ginger hair & a ginger flower

I had my six-month review today and it was overwhelmingly positive. One comment that stood out is that I handle high-stress situations without losing my cheerfulness. It’s true, and it’s become second nature to me now. I guess that by trying to keep a positive attitude and getting my chronic neck pain issues taken care of I’ve been able to get out of the negative cloud I was stuck in.

Crazy how that works.

Anyways, I leave you with Paul examining the ginger flower outside our cabin. We were just discussing today how we miss Hawaii…

Paul hasn't seen flowers blooming outside in November before!

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I caved

Posted on February 25, 2012 by

The smallest box of crayons I have ever owned.

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Getting me through the day

Posted on February 23, 2012 by
  • Coffee imported from Hawaii (supplied my my employers as a “thanks!”)
  • Loud dubstep in the car (Paul introduced me to Skrillex)
  • Knowing World Superbike & MotoGP are starting soon
  • Japanese dystopian novels (Battle Royale & The Stories of Ibis)
  • Jasmine green tea in the afternoon
  •  Snoring dogs on the couch

Maggie & Bender sleeping on the couch (not pictured: me squished into a tiny corner)

February seems to be about running out the clock until the weather is consistently nice enough (i.e. warm enough; there is a snowfall warning in effect tonight and into the weekend!) to get the bikes out. Although usually after we do it rains for two weeks straight!

Since it’s easy to slip into “I’m bored” I’ve been trying to keep myself occupied. I redesigned this blog and my other one. I’ve been reading a lot. I purchased a creative journal book to get myself back into the mindset. I saw a big box of crayons today that I really wanted, but I’m on a “no frivolous things (except for the SARK book & a translation of a dystopian Japanese novel)” spending plan. I don’t think I need a box of 48 Crayolas, but I’m sure I’d have fun with them. I wonder if I can still get lost in sorting the colours into their “proper” order.

I hate the feeling of wasting time (the concept that time is a commodity is really weird if you over-think it) and living life on “pause”. Waiting for something in the future that you anticipate is one thing. Spending your life waiting for it to get more interesting/fun/whatever is another. A waste, useless – things don’t change until and unless you do something about them.

Even if it is just doodling with crayons.

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Work & re-capturing something lost

Posted on February 19, 2012 by

When I took my job everyone (including my new employers) wondered if I would miss working in a veterinary clinic and want to go back.

I thought I would miss it too and figured that I’d get over it…but I don’t miss it.

Yes, there are aspects of the job that I do miss: being around puppies is pretty awesome, and getting to know the pets and their people is (usually) fun and rewarding. There are a number of pets and people that touched my heart in the seven years I was in the industry, and even though it’s unlikely I will see them again I still carry those memories. The people I worked with were an amazing bunch and I’ve learned a lot from everyone that was a part of my career in the veterinary world, especially the doctors and staff at the clinic that took me in as a practicum student and hired me.

I know in the grand scheme of things that my job isn’t important. I don’t save lives or invent iPods. I do help make the day easier and smoother for a dedicated bunch of people, and I feel like my contributions matter. At the end of the day when I leave I want to feel satisfied that I did something – and in this job I do. I’ll never be famous for being a world-renowned IT administrator and I won’t change the world, but you know what? I’m happy if I can keep the database working properly and get the maximum efficiency from the workflow.

One thing I want to work on is my creativity. I am a creative person, but I have a hard time finding time to express it. I’m going to make it a priority because I think – no, I know it will be good for me. Like motorcycling helped my confidence, re-attuning myself with my creativity will make me more confident and happier.

Posted in Creativity, Me, Work | 1 Comment