a cute toaster

No words (except for these)

I spent a great deal of time this weekend reading a practice management book for work so I could glean some ideas for our clinic. I came up with lots of great (if I do say so myself) ideas.

This was supposed to be part of a big meeting with my boss to discuss the clinic, my role, and his goals. It kind of sprang from me telling him why I was missing from work for two days last week. I thought that it was important for him to know, and for him to know that my anxiety started with work and expanded outwards. Not that I’m blaming work for my problems/illness, but my message to him was if things don’t change then I have to leave. I thought at the time that he understood and wanted to work things out so I wouldn’t be so stressed out.

Now I’m not so sure.

The meeting was originally scheduled for last Thursday, the day after I came back. It didn’t happen, we got busy, blah blah blah – story of my life here. So we made arrangements to meet today, off site, as it’s not a day that my boss is scheduled to be in the clinic. Well, if that meeting did happen, this post probably wouldn’t, heh.

I called him to see if he was coming and and no, he’s not. He’s too tired from the weekend.

I spent a good portion of my weekend doing work and research – as I was asked – and the meeting is cancelled.

Now I’m sitting here, quietly angry.

So, the theme for February’s NaBloPoMo is “ties“. What ties me to this dysfunctional practice?

I guess this is something that I’m going to have to examine.

Dreams

I had some very vivid dreams last night; maybe because it’s the first night that I’ve had decent sleep in awhile. My brain must have had a lot of junk to process though because they were weird.

A new problem

On Monday I was diagnosed with Generalized Anxiety Disorder. The weekend was Fun Times, let me tell you. I had my first ever panic attacks and a complete breakdown of epic proportions.

My anxiety is centered around my job (oh, surprise!) but has crept out and coloured nearly everything, to the point that I am not able to make a decision about anything without agonizing over it.

So I’m left now contemplating a lot of things. I’m trying to be gentle on myself for this first little bit, but there are some big questions that need to be answered.

Actual phone call I just received:

Caller: “So is there any chance that you would spay my kitten for free?”

Me:  “No. The price is $xx.xx which includes the exam that must be done before we put your pet under anesthetic.”

Caller: “I thought that if I said I had no money you would have to do it for free. Isn’t it some kind of an oath? To treat poor people’s animals for free?”

Me: “Actually – no. And I don’t think we’d be in business too long if we didn’t charge for our services.”

Caller: “Oh. Never mind then. I thought I’d try and see if you’d do it. The other animal hospital said the same thing.”

I’m not sleeping

I closed my eyes at my desk. They burned more for a few seconds, then they felt better. The howling and barking in the background faded away. The dizziness I felt receded then disappeared.

For a few minutes I could have been back at home, tucked into my warm bed, all cozy in my pajamas. I could almost smell the sweet, marshmallow-y scent of TKO on my pillows and shirt. The best feeling when I’m exhausted: the comfort of my bed as I drift off to sleep. A few more seconds with my eyes closed and I’d really be sleeping…

I opened my eyes and a wave of exhaustion crashed over me.

No, I did not sleep well last night. I don’t own enough concealer to hide the rings under my eyes (they’re there even when I’m at my most well-rested). I have zero patience, and I find myself perplexed by the simplest problems.

Argh.

Best gift

For our anniversary/birthday (my upcoming birthday) and Christmas we got each other motorcycle boots. Paul’s are the white pair to the right (SiDi B2) and mine are the black and red pair to the left (SiDi Vertigo Lei).

These are the most expensive footwear I’ve ever owned, which isn’t really saying much because I’m not really a “shoe person”.  (Purses and bags of any type are more my thing.)

There aren’t nearly as many options for women’s boots as there are for men, and the few pairs of men’s boots that I tried on were all too wide. Unfortunately the only pair that fit well and were comfortable were the most expensive boots…they’re kind of overkill for my skill level.

That being said I’ve already shredded the tendons, ligaments, and cartilage in my right foot and ankle twice (once when I was in grade five involving a skateboard and again when I was 20 involving a motorcycle…) and my doctor told me it would be great if I could avoid doing it again since I already have permanent damage to the tendons.

Can’t wait to try them out on the bike!

Insomnia

For the past week or so I have been having a really hard time getting to sleep at a reasonable hour. I’m pretty sure it had a lot to do with being off work; it didn’t matter if I went to bed late because I could sleep in.

As it got closer to return to work time I started trying to get myself back on track as far as going to bed and falling asleep at a normal time. Instead I found that it was taking me longer and longer to fall asleep and even when I got to sleep I’d only stay sleeping for anywhere between ten minutes and two hours.

So I was pretty much RAGE-Y!Zombie at work today.  Well, work was an absolute joke of a gong show, but I’m not ever going to talk about that.

When I did finally fall asleep sometime after 5:00am I had a bizarre dream where I was in a classroom talking to different versions of myself.

Tonight I’m going to have a hot bath, take some melatonin (even though it did jack for me last night), dab on some TKO and hopefully get some restful, restorative sleep tonight.

I hope this doesn’t become a trend.

The Best BPALs

My favourite Black Pheonix Alchemy Lab perfumes by category.

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Best memories as decided by someone else

1. What did you do in 2009 that you’d never done before?
Drove a motorcycle!

2. Did you keep your new year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
I did 9 out of 22. I have goals that I’d like to meet but not necessarily during 2010.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
My sister-in-law had a baby boy.

4. Did anyone close to you die?
No, luckily.

5. What countries did you visit?
USA – Maui & Seattle.

6. What would you like to have in 2010 that you lacked in 2009?
Job fulfillment.

7. What dates from 2009 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
April 28th: arrived in Maui
August 3rd: started lessons at Pacific Riding School
September 12th: picked up my Ninja
October 13th: passed my class 6 license

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Guess?

9. What was your biggest failure?
Not making any advances in my career.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
Nothing too bad. I think the worse thing was the bruising from the minor fall I had off of the bike on our second road ride.

11. What was the best thing you bought?
My Ninja!

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
No comment.

14. Where did most of your money go?
To Yamaha & Kawasaki.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
Oh for serious, I don’t even need to tell you, do I?

16. What song will always remind you of 2009?
All of Fantasies by Metric.

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
a) Happier or sadder? Maybe a little sadder.
b) Thinner or fatter? About the same.
c) Richer or poorer? Poorer in money, but richer in other areas.

18. What do you wish you’d done more of?
School. I wish I had started work towards a business degree.

19. What do you wish you’d done less of?
Worrying, agonizing, heart-eating.

20. How did you spend Christmas?
In Kelowna.

21. Did you fall in love in 2009?
Not in a way that you might expect…but yes.

22. What was your favorite TV program?
I don’t really watch TV.

23. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year?
No, but my dislike for certain people has remained constant.

24. What was the best book you read?
This is going to be hard because I can’t remember everything I read last year (hey, maybe I’ll keep track this year!).

The Road, Cormac McCarthy
Blindness, Jose Saramago
The Art of Racing In the Rain, Garth Stein

…I can’t remember anything else.

25. What was your greatest musical discovery?
Metric, MGMT.
I rediscovered how much I love Underworld, Daft Punk, & Nine Inch Nails.

26. What did you want and get?
A motorcycle.

27. What did you want and not get?
Nothing.

28. What was your favorite film of this year?
Up.

29. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
Took some days off work to visit my favourite places in Vancouver (Voltage, Country Beads,  Banyan Books, The Naam). Went to the motorcycle show (as is traditional), went out for dinner & drinks at Dublin Crossing, went out for dinner with my Dad, Del, Graeme & Laura, had the traditional birthday dinner at my Mom & Gerald’s (with cake!)…oh, and got freaking motorcycle lessons and a bike from Paul!

I turned 30.

30. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
If I could have felt more accomplishment at work.

31. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2009?
Purple, black.

32. What kept you sane?
Riding.

33. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
No comment.

34. What political issue stirred you the most?
The continuing Olympics fiasco.

35. Who did you miss?
The usual suspects.

36. Who was the best new person you met?
The people at PRS (the school and classmates) were pretty awesome. Actually, everyone I’ve met through owing my bike!

37. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2009.

38. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year.
“Help, I’m alive, my heart keeps beating like a hammer/Hard to be soft/Tough to be tender”
Help, I’m Alive -  Metric

9 years

2 years married, 9 years together. Love you!