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17 April, 2013
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Life, Soapbox

He probably laughed about it, too

Last night I picked up my mail at the mailbox at the end of our street. There’s a park and a school there and now that it’s spring the parks are full of softball, t-ball, and boot camp people. I pulled up behind a silver Camry or Corolla and parked. I definitely left enough room for buddy to reverse and pull out; although there wasn’t a car parked in front of him, so he shouldn’t have needed to back up. His car was running and he was listening to the local sports radio talk show. I know he saw me, because we made eye contact as I walked beside his car.

I got my mail and was sitting on my bike pulling on my gloves with the side-stand up. Dude reverses without checking behind him and comes within a whisker of hitting me; so close that he pressed my textile pants into my leg. I honked and yelled and he jammed on the brakes. I guess I flinched in anticipation and I lost my balance and tipped over my bike. Jerkface pulled a u-turn fo he was facing in front of me on the other side of the street. We made eye contact as I was splayed out on the sidewalk with my bike laying on my leg.

Then the coward took off.

Luckily a couple of the Dads watching their kids play t-ball came to help me pick up my bike, and one of the Moms came to make sure I was okay and shared stories of her husband’s exploits on his Harley. She was very sweet and the guys were really nice. They wanted to dive me home, but as I was literally eight houses away from home I declined. One of the guys offered to push my bike home for me, but I insisted I was okay to ride. If I can hop back on to a dirtbike after flying through the air, landing on my head and coming away with a concussion I knew I was okay to make it home from this.

I’m not hurt beyond a sore leg, and my bike is fine too. What really gets me is that he saw me fall and he took off. Plus, it’s a park & school zone; what if he had hit a kid, or a dog, or someone walking behind him? A cyclist? A skateboarder? (Or me, for fuck’s sake!?) What kind of clueless asshole reverses without checking when there are people around ever?

10 April, 2013
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Life, Soapbox

The biggest regret of her life

This is my secret fear: that if I have a child I won’t develop maternal feelings for him or her (and yes, initially I did type it).

My thoughts about this article are really mixed.

  1. I think she’s brave to bring her feelings up: I think that there are probably a lot of parents who end up feeling this way, but it’s probably one of the most verboten things to speak of.
  2. I think she made motherhood harder on herself than it needed to be.
  3. I’m happy the Dad stepped up for the kids.
  4. It’s sad that her daughter is bedridden and under her care again.
  5. Holy shit woman! How could you publish this story with pictures of your kids?!

I feel for this woman, but more so for her children. I can’t imagine hearing my mother say that having me ruined her life and she would have been better without me. Children don’t have a choice about coming into the world and they don’t have a choice about what kind of family that they’re born into. I think she did the best job she could have, but by setting such rigid standards for herself she seems to have taken motherhood and turned it into a series of joyless tasks. Though then again, maybe that’s her point.

This woman says that she eventually came to love her children, but the way she saw them as a drain: “I resented the time my children consumed. Like parasites, they took from me and didn’t give back”. Whenever I express trepidation about having kids everyone always tells me that once I see my own it will be different. Well, what if it’s not? Obviously it didn’t work out like that in this situation. I have a hard time understanding her statements about finding a way to be a good mom but regretting the decision. I’m not judging her for it; I just don’t really grasp it.

I guess that most people who think about having kids or not don’t wrestle with will I resent them? will I love them? will they ruin my life? can I do it? but to be completely honest I do. There aren’t many people who you can admit those feelings to before you become a parent, much less after the fact.

So there you go. I’m telling the internet.

I also worry about my health affecting motherhood. The responses I get when I raise that fear (from everyone except my doctor) falls into:

  1. Pffft. Your problems are imaginary anyways!
  2. You’ll forget all about your issues when you have your own little one!
  3. No big deal;  Paul will have to take care of them!

My doctor says that yes there will be some significant issues to overcome should I get pregnant. I’m at an enormous risk of post partum depression. What if I pass these issues along to my kids? We’ve had several discussions about it that all end with her telling me the same thing: none of her patients who decided not to have kids have regretted the decision. Some of her patients who do have kids regret their decision. Which kind of regret is the worst to live with?

8 April, 2013
Life

Goodbye, goodnight

Daniel Patrick Haigh
June 15 1927 – March 27 2013

Dan passed away peacefully with his loving wife Anne at his side at Kootenay Lake Hospital after a lengthy illness.

Dan is survived by his wife Anne, sons Brian (Shannon), David and Daniel Jr. Grandchildren Jeff, Jason, Graeme and Laurie, as well as four great grandchildren. He was predeceased by his first wife Elaine.

The family would like to thank Dr. Kirsten, the staff and nurses of the 3rd floor at KLH for their exceptional care and kindness in Dan’s final weeks.

As an expression of sympathy, family and friends may make a donation to their charity of choice. In accordance with Dan’s wishes, there will be no service or funeral.

27 March, 2013
Life

Numb

My grandfather passed away. I found out from a Facebook post.

 

1 March, 2013
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Life

Too much to say

It’s been long enough that I don’t know how to start again. Soon it will be a year since we last spoke, and over two years since we saw each other. I try to push it from my mind because it hurts to think about. Sometimes the lies comes easily to me; I’m not bothered, I’m sure everything is okay. Sometimes it’s just a knowing look from my brother and the pit opens in my stomach. He doesn’t know either.

The more time that goes by the more awkward it is, which becomes its own feedback circle. I just want to know that you’re okay. I don’t want to get trapped by the old mistakes of the past. I’m afraid to make the first move because – goddamnit I made the first move a year ago, and stupidly expected something in kind. I opened the door and was left feeling like a jerk when no one came in.

My biggest fear is that we’ve been replaced by someone else’s family. People who have one black sheep and no awkward skeletons in their closets. Hers, whoever she is. If she’s even the same. The story goes the same each time doesn’t it?

Pick up the fucking phone and call me. That’s all I want to say. The rest will come.

 

2 February, 2013
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Life, Me

F the flu

When I was very little, my favourite word to write (on everything) was FLÜ. I don’t know why I included the umlaut. I remember getting stacks of paper grocery bags and writing it over and over in different colour crayons. I think I even wrote it on my freshly-painted bedroom walls.

Being an avid reader of zombie stories it is a little bit amusing that I’m sick with the strain of the flu that has been declared a public heath hazard. The unfunny part is that I’ve been sick since the beginning of January. The best part has been the body pain. Bedding, clothing, shoes – anything that touches my skin hurts.

I had a followup appointment with my doctor yesterday and she confirmed that I just have the flu (no signs of any post-viral bacterial infections) with a side of fibromyalgia flare-up.

After lecturing me on my busy schedule (Pacific Riding School training, the Motorcycle Show, work, life…) she told me to rest this weekend and stop doing so much for awhile. I had to put off the last part of my PRS instructor training, but my doctor made it clear that if I don’t get rest I could be sick for another four weeks. She also prescribed me a drug to help the fibro; she says every time I come in I present a symptom of it and being sick has really brought it out. It’s a two week trial of Lyrica to see how I tolerate it; if it doesn’t work we may switch to Cymbalta.

Not quite what I expected, but she offered it as a suggestion and she’s usually right. For the flu I need rest and fluids. There’s nothing else I can do.

26 December, 2012
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Maggie & Bender show

Bender = 0, Xmas tree = 1.

Bender’s ears have been red and inflamed for the past few weeks. I took the opportunity of having the day off to take him to our veterinary clinic. The veterinarian we saw confirmed my guess that he doesn’t have a bacterial or yeast infection and the symptoms are likely caused by environmental allergens.

In 2010 I had Bender tested for allergies following a fruitless and frustrating search for the cause of a very localized, very odd skin problem. The results were about three pages long. I remember what he’s not allergic to: human dander, dog dander, cockroaches, and molds. There are only two commercially available diets that are suitable for him: z/d Ultra Allergen Free and Iams Skin & Coat Response KO. KO was often on extended back order, so I chose z/d Ultra.

Often when people ask me what Bender is allergic to I respond life. Not that it puts a damper on his enjoyment of life. It just means that he often stops in awkward poses to scratch his face, or propels himself backwards with the power of his sneezes.

The only thing that has been different in our house over the past couple of weeks is the Christmas tree. I can’t find his allergy sheet to check if there are any listings for evergreen trees, but I suspect it’s the culprit.

I have some ear medication and a gentle ear cleanser, as well as the okay to increase his dose of Benadryl. I was giving him 50mg; which is enough to knock me out for at least ten hours, but it doesn’t affect him at all. I can go up to 100mg, but I’ll try 75 first.

Other than that, the veterinarian was impressed with both Maggie and Bender’s body condition and overall health. Vets are always amazed to see a Labrador at an ideal body weight as they’re so prone to obesity. Not if you feed them correctly! I only wish that it was as easy to do with myself…

 

25 December, 2012
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Cow & Toaster, Maggie & Bender show

Christmas 2012

I’m curled up on the couch with my cozy blanket and a snoring Maggie beside me on the couch. Bender is snoozing in front of the fire. It’s been a good holiday.

Paul and I got to bed late last night; he was gaming and I was reading. We were woken up by our neighbour warming up his big ass pickup truck and blaring metal from its stereo just before 7:00 this morning. I guess it should have been annoying, but we found it hilarious for some reason. We giggled at it until we woke up Bender and decided to start the day.

Bender & Maggie with their first gift.

Bender & Maggie with their first gift.

Paul brewed up some coffee and Baileys and we gathered around the tree. Bender (literally) tore into his gift with gusto, ripping mouthfuls of wrapping paper away with doggy glee. Maggie pranced around waiting for the treats inside to materialize. After that was taken care of, Bender ripped into Maggie’s gift too. Now that he had the hang of opening presents he was eager to help. Every time a gift was brought out from under the tree he grabbed a mouthful of wrapping paper as it went by. Normally he opens his own gift, but this year he was into everything. Maggie was happy to sit with one of her new toys and work on de-squeaking it; which she accomplished by the time we finished opening gifts.

After the traditional Haigh Christmas breakfast of bacon and eggs and prepping the turkey we were off to Starbucks to meet up with friends for coffee. We even got to see snow! Thick, heavy flakes came down while we were chatting. It was so wet that it didn’t stick to the roads or sidewalk and it’s all gone now. Still, it was nice to actually see falling snow on Christmas Day.

I think I’m fighting off a sinus cold, so even though I’d had three or four cups of coffee I had a nap when we got home. Paul got some games on sale from Steam and some of his long-distance friends were online so they shot up space bandits or whatever they were playing all afternoon. I woke up to bake the cookies we made dough for last night and suddenly it was dinner time.

Now the day is almost finished; there’s five minutes until Boxing Day. One little thing is bothering me, but when I compare it to the warmth (literal and figurative) of today it should be easy to let go of.

Tomorrow I have to call the vet clinic. Poor Bender has an ear infection and one of his ears is getting painful. Maggie is due for a rabies vaccine, so I’ll get that taken care of too. I hope I get to see a bunch of the old gang when I bring the dogs in, plus it’s now been seven years since Maggie came up to Canada. Her puppies are going to be seven. Where has the time gone?

24 December, 2012
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Life

30 minutes to midnight

christmas_2012It’s a quiet Christmas Eve. The presents are wrapped under the tree for Paul, the doggies, and me and the food for our Christmas dinner is waiting for tomorrow. It sounds like we’re going to be getting together with some motorcyclists (some of whom I don’t know…yet!) for coffee and bike chat at Starbucks tomorrow.

This year has been good. Aside from me needing to change my medications earlier in the year (and it was a pretty smooth transition) our household is healthy. We had an awesome trip with awesome people to California to go to Disneyland, a track school, and a dirt-track school.

I love where I work: I’ve learned a lot more about working with our computer systems, the industries we serve, and our people. My bosses are fabulous people, my team is strong and we work together well, and the other teams are the best at what they do (in my opinion, anyways!)

Next year is looking bright too. Paul and I are nearing completion of our training to be motorcycle instructors. We will be working part-time with Pacific Riding School starting in February, assuming we pass all the requirements. It’s going to be hard work and long days, but I really think that it’s going to be rewarding. I remember my training there vividly, and the thought that I could contribute to making that kind of a positive impact for someone else is pretty cool.

As I’ve been thinking back over the past year (or two), it’s occurred to me that even the things that happened that seemed so tragic, or such an indication of my failure have pointed me in a much better direction. Even though it’s hard not to feel a trace of bitterness towards some of the people involved, I know that’s just because I – and my ego – were hurt. Really, it was for the best for everyone.

Merry Christmas everyone. I hope that you get to have at least one special moment this holiday. As 2012 winds down I wish everyone peace and joy in 2013.

14 October, 2012
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Life, Me, Soapbox

Amanda

I’ve debated about posting this, because it’s pretty personal and it’s a time of my life that I try not to think about very much. My memories from this time are either fuzzy or so sharp that they still hurt today. This is a very brief overview of my experiences as a depressed high school student. I felt compelled to write about it after reading some of the comments that people were leaving in news stories about Amanda Todd.

If you are a depressed teen right now you need to know that with help, it will get better. I know that right now it feels like it’s going to last forever and always be like it is now but it truly isn’t. Please find an adult who you trust and tell him or her how you feel. You cannot overcome this alone. If there isn’t anyone whom you trust please call the Kids Help Phone: 1-800-998-6868 .

And any time someone tells you that your high school years are the best years in your life please know this is absolute bullshit. The last time you walk away from high school with your diploma in hand is truly the first day of the rest of your life.

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