Re-writing my history

08 Jun 2009 1 Comment

by Lauriein Me, me, me

I have a tendency to want to edit my past. Out of spite, out of hurt, out of embarrassment – who knows. I can’t look back on the good times, because I’m fixated on the negative.  I am loathe to admit how much certain people meant to me because of how bitterly the relationships (platonic or romantic) ended.

Or I feel the need to qualify statements:  “yes, he was my first love, but I didn’t know what being in love really was.” That’s a good example.

Maybe I want to take away the power that those people once had over me. Like it’s retroactive.

I’ve  been having odd dreams lately though: people who I have lost touch with (and miss, and would want to see or talk to again) come to see me to bring someone who I don’t want to see, or someone who a relationship ended with bad feeling on both sides and I’m the one who has to apologize and take all the blame for the fracture.Usually the person agrees that it was all my fault, but now we can be friends again.

Part of it is fueled by Facebook I think. I have found some links between people in my life (and past) that I never imagined existed (and probably aren’t even apparent to the people involved) that are…disconcerting sometimes.

There is something in my subconscious that won’t allow me to remember the happy times; it’s probably something I should think about but it doesn’t bother me that much. (Or so I say; it is creeping into my dreams.)

Significance is a weird thing. It’s very relative and skewed by emotions in the moment and in time.